“The mind can calculate, but the spirit yearns, and the heart knows what the heart knows” ― Stephen King
Imagine, you’re in that moment. A moment that you knew you wanted even if you were too scared to admit it. Then, just like you feared, it all crumbles at your feet. You’re not sure which way is up and your mind starts to race with self-doubt. Thoughts of ‘what is wrong with me’ or ‘why not’ begin to fly through your head. This is what I call the ‘oh shit’ moment, because it’s when you’ve realized that you’ve finally reached your destination but the door has been shut in your face. It’s because of moments like this that are the reason I never truly want to be seen. It’s why I never allow someone to discover all that I have worked so desperately to hide.
It’s not what I want, however. I want to have an intimate experience where I can feel free to let go completely and be who I am. I want to feel my deep dark loneliness melting away in each moment with someone, in each touch. I quietly dream of opening myself and being completely vulnerable. Of course, I don’t see this happening but wanting is sometimes so hard to deny.
So, very recently I found enough nerve to let go, be open, just do it and it was wonderful… until it stopped. The moment ended abruptly, without explanation, and I was left feeling lost and without a tether. Once again, I immediately started to analyze myself and the situation, debating why I could even remotely have thought that it was okay to have taken that leap. In the end I couldn’t lie. I took it because, as hard as this is to admit, I wanted it.
I normally believe in being forthcoming. There is a lot to be said for just stating clearly what is on your mind. Recently, though, I have found myself having a really hard time forming the words and letting them pass my lips. During my ‘Oh Shit’ moments it is always so hard not reading too much into each aspect of the situation. It has been said that woman over-analyze everything in an effort to protect themselves from getting hurt. But, I see it in the opposite, when you start reading too much into things you begin to hurt yourself. You’ll find that you start to second guess your actions, emotions, even you as a whole. You become the victim of your own emotions.
Recognizing that, what do I do? Do I talk about it with that person, or do I suppress these feelings and climb back into my perfect world where I’m not vulnerable and everything is safe?