I’ve always liked ‘him’ in some capacity or another. I’ve always made an extra effort to be at events or get together when I knew ‘he’ would be making an appearance.  At those times I would put in more effort with my appearance for ‘him’. What did I think that would accomplish? Nothing. I knew it was more of an infatuation on my part than his.  From his perspective, the infatuation was completely nonexistent and that was never going to change.

What I felt very strange with this infatuation was that he was totally not what I considered my ‘type’.  I didn’t want to take him for all he was worth.  I didn’t want to draw him in chew up his emotions and spit them out.  I wanted to hug him, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and to get the same in return.  I never wanted to make him something he wasn’t, pry something out of him he didn’t feel like sharing, make him do something he wasn’t interested in.  I just wanted him for him, what ever he was willing to give.  Okay, let me be honest, I’m not being completely truthful… I wanted to get him in a tie. Men in ties… Oh so hot!  I wouldn’t have tried forcing it, just subtly nudge, like buying him a tie for holidays and birthdays!

I was always shocked when no one noticed at gatherings or parties. Maybe everyone did notice and thought that if they ignored it, it would blow over.  Either option is plausible.  Sometimes I feel like everyone wants me to care about their happiness; they want me to help them get theirs. but then they would turn around and tell me how to feel or what they believed was right or wrong.  Never has anyone stopped to ask me or notice my feelings which, in turn, made me work to suppress them more, ensuring that they were not asked about.  I gave them what they wanted me to be and when I left them I was able to be the real me.  I did have feelings for people they disapproved of.  I had views on the decisions they’d made.  I had my own goals and dreams!

But I tamped that all down.  I convinced myself that in ‘real life’ it probably wouldn’t be what I’d been imagining.  Let’s be honest; feelings hurt, left you vulnerable and led to rejection. I wouldn’t want to be rejected!

So, in the end we come full circle.  I’ll always like him in some capacity or another.  I’ll always make an effort to appear at events I know he’ll be at.  I’ll put in that extra effort with my appearance.  And I’ll tell myself that it’s for the best, because it’s not an infatuation for him, and that is never going to change.


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