A Heart That Hurts

Can you go over board with helping someone? In my opinion that cannot happen but over the last year people have said things that make my heart hurt. People expressing that individuals at times can go over board with their help. Can someone really go over board with helping someone?

I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know why I feel the need to help people and bring them a ray of hope, offer the ability to have a better day. I’ve needed people emotionally and physically in the past and honestly even now, I know what it’s like to turn around and realize no one is there. I know how it feels to be trapped in that dark void with no one to hold your hand, no one to embrace you and tell you it will all work out. It’s a nasty cold dark place that once trapped, there are very few that can find their way out alone. I’m there, I’m standing in the wings to be that hand to hold, the embrace that will tell them everything will get better.

The people that make these comments about going over board, trying to look better than everyone else, buying love and friendships, they don’t know me. They may have come up with some reason why I do it and most of their thoughts don’t lead them to the true reason.

When people say comments like these my heart hurts. Ridiculous you may think but that is the truth. I’m tired, tired of my heart hurting, I want it to end. I will hold my arms out and keep them back slowly pushing them away, it’s the only action I can do to ensure I don’t hurt. I don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to feel the pull to help, to heal people’s pain, to solve their problems.

As I write this I lay here periodically closing my eyes allowing one single tear to fall from my eyes and slowly run down my face. Never wiping it away so that I can be reminded of why I HATE that I care, that I feel, that I’m here, here in this place that believes someone could do to much and must have ulterior motives for kindness.

I have never asked for payment for my generosity. I’ve never asked for recognition either. I’ve never asked for anything, from anyone I have helped. Tonight though it’s different, I’m asking for something, I’m on my knees begging for that something. To close my eyes and wake up tomorrow with a cold heart, one that cannot feel, one that is greedy and who only cares for itself and no one else. To release the grasp of this misery that plagues me.

I will be what everyone shows me by their words that I should be… To poor to help, to busy to solve their problems and to cold to care.

 

Picture Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cogdog/4424260898/ License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/deed.en

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