Even if you have been the one to always preach the words of ‘single’ life, chances are good that the inevitable question has come up in your thoughts ‘will you ever find someone or will you be alone forever.’ Speaking from experience the thought arises every so often usually triggered by an event, someone close gets involved in a relationship, marriage or you meet someone that is charismatic enough to make you feel it. 12 years with no emotionally tied relationships, I’ve had the thought a handful of times more so now that I am getting older and creeping up to my pre-made deadline I set for myself, once the deadline passes, I will be sure I am going to be alone the rest of my life.
In my 12 years I have honed my skill of triggering my fear of relationships and closeness with someone to ensure I never get close enough to get hurt. Fear and insecurities are the two things that can guarantee that you will be alone forever. It’s the fear and insecurities that keep your heart safe, safe from hurt. The fear drives your responses to social situations, for instance my fear of being hurt by loving someone and them in turn abandoning me, keeps me from believing compliments from men are sincere.
By hiding behind your fear, you do not have to confront your insecurities which also play a very big role in keeping you away from having a long lasting loving relationship. To keep it ‘real’ as I tend to enjoy doing, let’s use my situation as an example. My insecurities are abundant so I will only list a few.
- Abandonment – When I get the inner feeling triggering me to love, I immediately work on trying to find ways to distance myself from the friendship. When I care and love someone I put all my energy into it and by doing this I end up being hurt and abandoned.
- Comparisons – Now everyone will be compared to someone else, it is inevitable but just the thought makes me anxious. I don’t want to be compared as I see it I will always be on the losing side.
- Physical Appearance – This is self-explanatory. I don’t feel that I measure up in this area. Interestingly enough even when I think I have made a change to my appearance to improve my overall feelings towards myself, the people around me remind me regularly that it wasn’t a wise choice. So I make changes just to change, not to improve my inner feelings on my appearance.
- Accomplishments – I don’t feel I have made any significant accomplishments in my life. I view the things I have done as all ‘half-assed’ accomplishments.
- Strength – This can mean many things but in this case I don’t let men close to me as I don’t want to find out I’m not as strong as I have convinced myself I am. If I let them into my world and make this realization it would cause more heartache when they left me.
As with most situations, when you have the opportunity to speak with someone about their insecurities it is always easier to give advice, which we have all I suppose heard the saying it is easier to give advice then take it. When you can step out of yourself and look we can see our deepest struggles clearly, we can make sense of them and try to work through it.
By keeping the fear at the for-front you create a force field, a safer version of yourself which enables you to carry on without getting hurt. You will suffer the consequences of not opening the door to others. If you cannot let go you lose your ability to find a relationship, to feel love, it will always be just out of reach.
The question is are you willing to take the risk of being rejected? Are you willing to treasure the present and open your heart to love or will you continue (as I have for 12 years) to suppress those feelings and be just out of reach?
Picture Credit: https://flic.kr/p/cfSp8f License: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/