If you could return to the past to relive a part of your life, either to experience the wonderful bits again, or to do something over, which part of your life would you return to? Why?
I have been thinking about this question all day, it has turned out to be a difficult choice. I decided to just start writing and It would come to me and it did. I would return to the moment that changed my life forever and gave me a purpose in my life, the birth of my son.
Why did I choose this moment in my life? Because I would do it right this time. Even after 12 years though I’m not sure there is a ‘right’ way. I walk around now wondering where I made a wrong turn so starting at the beginning would make certain I would see the turn I needed. When my son was a little over a month old his father packed his belongings and left while we were away for the day. After picking my pride up off the ground, putting my emotions in check and finding a plan to survive alone, I made a choice, the choice to stay single and focus only on my son. 12 years later I find at times hating myself for taking that road, being a horrible mother that deprived her son of the chance to have a responsible, strong male figure in his life. Also in turn depriving him of a role model to look up to so he would know how a man should treat a women and what kind of father he should be when he grows up.
I find myself beating my self up emotionally when he shows me his anger in inappropriate ways. When he talks of one of my close friends that for years he has looked up to and seeks attention from. When I find myself leaning on him to help me with things that take away from him being a kid. My choices forced him from an early age to step up to the plate and help me with things that if I wouldn’t have made the choice to stay single, he wouldn’t of had to do.
I think his anger he shows to me regularly is his hatred toward my decision and even as I write this I develop tears in my eyes. I can never express in verbal or written words how much this hurts me inside. I have spent many nights over these past few years crying myself to sleep over it. How I feel the pressure in my heart as if someone has reached inside of me, grabbed it and is squeezing as hard as they can.
He doesn’t want gifts or trips, he just wants a man to want to be in the same place as him, to wake up day after day and see him there. A man that wants to ‘hangout’ with him, that seeks him out instead of him seeking them out, and be there for him when he has something to say. Someone he can count on being where they say they will be. This I did not give him and I feel I am so deep in my hole I have dug and have wrapped myself to tight to get out of this blanket of insecurities to give it to him.
Even through these tears I shed, I believe he does love me it’s just unfortunate that I messed up and may never be able to give him what he truly needs. I will always be the mother that failed but if I could go back to the past I would certainly make sure to be the mother that succeeded.
Picture Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/caseyhugelfink/8707093993/