Searching For Answers

I got home around 3 AM this morning, let the dogs out and got ready for bed. As I snuggled into bed I found myself unable to sleep. This was not an unusual occurrence. I had this urge inside telling me to go, go where that was the question. I’ve been ‘going’ in my life for years. I’ve been walking down the same road for years and where has it gotten me? I have family, friends and created a beautiful son. I have loved, I’ve felt failure, I’ve had many experiences but what I haven’t found is my purpose nor the person that was a natural extension of myself. Someone who compliments my personality and fits into my puzzle piece, so to speak. My life is a ship that I just realized had a hole in it for many years and I am now sinking.

At 4 AM I got up, grabbed my purse and clinched my fingers around my keys. I was going, still not knowing where but I was going. I got in the car; the crisp cool spring air sent a chill through my body. As I slipped my key into the ignition I found myself ‘stuck’, ‘stuck’ in this moment of overwhelming deep thought that I have no idea what my purpose is. I started the car and drove off. I still did not know where or for what I was driving for, I just knew I needed to do it.

As I drove my mind tried to figure this out. Did I lose my purpose? Did I ever have a purpose? The hard question I found myself asking was… How do you find your purpose? During my drive I found myself playing my life out in my head and the ending, well it isn’t one that I want. I started to scream, driving down the dark highway to nowhere, I screamed. I was trying to scream out my insecurities, my fears and my failures. I’m a misfit; a round peg trying to fit into a square hole. My life has been made up of many puzzles that were never finished. How have I let this happen? Why can I not successfully complete a puzzle? They just keep piling up giving me an overwhelming feeling of failure, failure to accomplish something and make my mark.

I could see the shoreline. I pulled over on the side of the road, put my car in park and got out. The road was quiet everyone still fast asleep in their beds. I crossed the road making my way to the shoreline feeling paralyzed once I had reached the sandy beach. I slipped out of my shoes and let the chilly water roll over my toes. I watched as the dawn peaked out into the morning sky; gently lighting the sky as I turned my head to the street the sky was still dark over my car. I turned back looking over the water, why can’t I let go of my fears and my insecurities. I thought to myself. I wished them away as I watched the sky turn to a beautiful orange color on the horizon. Is it my fear and insecurities that keep me from being unable to love or is it something else?

I started to undress looking around to still find the world was quiet. I slowly walked into the chilly water, not knowing the reason. Maybe to try to wash this loneliness away, washing away the unworthiness that I was made of. Hoping to see some glimpse of the ‘me’ someone could love. As I swam out further I was mesmerized by the sky. The light colored the clouds, the sky pinkish; it was so calming as if it was telling me that everything would be okay. I stayed in this moment for a while, wading in the water looking into the sky for answers.

As I reached the shoreline again I felt numb. The chilly waters had sobered my feelings. The sky was now a pretty yellow and pink mixture. I slipped back into my clothes; I thought about the things I had done, the choices I had made, I was still to numb to feel the regret and anger I felt towards myself. I actually was glad to have this moment of silence, living with the constant reminder of what a failure I am has been quite tiring. I knew the numbness would wear off so I forced myself to stand on the beach shivering, not wanting to let go of this moment. I slowly made myself walk back to the road where my car was. Still the road was quiet; everyone was probably all starting their mornings by now and soon this quiet road would be busy with people fulfilling their purpose in life.

I drove home in silence. Thinking about how I need to stop always looking for reasons to stay out of a relationship and instead looking for a reason to get into one.

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