I won’t let you know me

My friends and family believe they know me but they don’t, not because they don’t try, I just don’t let them know me. They don’t know my wants nor my pain. Everyone is so busy with their lives, their happiness and their disappointments. I don’t fault them for this as it is a normal part of life. You get wrapped up in everything that you forget to pick up the phone to check up on someone, drop by their work to say hi, you even may forget plans that were made. At times I think I am the opposite by losing myself in everyone else’s lives. I do the opposite so that I don’t have to deal with my own life as a whole. Don’t miss understand, I love my life and am happy. I frequently go back over my writings and question if I am but don’t we all question at some point if we are? Even in my current state I can say, I am happy.

I sit up tonight again as I have many nights prior, in pain. I wonder to myself why I don’t pick up the phone and make a doctors appointment. The physical pain causing me to hold my breath, put a smile on my face and confront my days head on until I can be at home where I can exhale. I spend my nights trying to figure out why I don’t get help. Why do I do this when I already know the answer? Well it’s simple, if it’s bad who will hold my hand and be my rock through it? Everyone is so busy with their lives, their happiness, their disappointments. They can’t be bothered by my issues nor do they have time to hold my hand through my pain.

I have noticed over the past two weeks the lack of sleep, stress at work and my nerves have caused me to become impatient, judge mental, and a tad raw when my emotions are involved. I’m slowly withdrawing from everyone and I will push to get back, to find my center and move forward while a part of me will be left behind to hide this pain and wait for it to subside.

Tonight I will admit out loud that my fear keeps me from finding out what is causing my pain. I’m to afraid to find that it is devastating news and afraid to have to admit to myself that I’m not strong enough as a person to deal with it alone.

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