I have went through the motions of today with a deep overwhelming feeling of disappointment. I know an amazing man, he may not believe that statement to be true but if he opened his eyes he would see what I see. He helps without want and heals without temptation all the while he doesn’t even realize it. He currently is the only man other then my Father who can make me cry in front of him but this time I reserved it till I had a private moment.
I received a call from him around 3AM and I scrambled to answer it in enough time but I missed it. I immediately dialed the number back and was greeted by his voicemail. I hung up, sent him a text message and waited. The crushing feeling started in my stomach, the worry started to creep into my mind and I forced it back. When the phone rang I was ready and my finger couldn’t hit the ‘answer’ button fast enough, “hello” I said. As he began to speak I knew he was intoxicated, the worry feeling swept through my body before I could even attempt to force it back. As we talked as all intoxicated people do, he tried to convince me he was not but I knew he was. He wanted me to meet him at his house and that would be proof he was as he doesn’t ask me over when he is sober. During the conversation he repeatedly accused me of being a liar about things we were talking about. I felt like deep down he was hoping I was and he would catch me and he could have a reason to end our friendship. If rumor is true that you are honest when your intoxicated that would mean he believes me to be a liar but that is neither here nor there in this story.
Fast forward the night…
He was outside my house, so he said. I was so distraught that I scrambled for my glasses and purse in hopes he was really there and he was. My body immediately relaxed when I opened the door and seen him there. That moment I realized I was fully vested in this relationship, this friendship. I cared about this man in the black hat in the car at the end of my driveway. I realized I would be devastated if anything happened to this man with those eyes that could calm you with one quick glance, those quirky facial expressions and the sarcastic smart-ass comments he had perfected. When I got into the car I wanted to strangle him for worrying me to the point of sickness yet at the same time I wanted to wrap my arms around him to protect him and make him see what he was doing.
I took him to his place and once he was asleep I sat up and watched him. Even though I was tired I just couldn’t stop watching him sleep. My sick feelings of worry had long past replaced with disappointment. He knows my feelings on this subject and if only I could touch him and share those real feelings that words and tears do not convey. At some point I finally fell asleep. When I awoke I went down and made a pot of coffee waiting to awake him for work. I ran through what I was going to say to him. He had already made it clear last night that I was going to yell at him but that showed me how much he really doesn’t know me and how much he stereotypes women. I had no thought to yell at him. I was just disappointed in his decision. He had said previously that I wasn’t worried about him, I was worried about the car and that wasn’t true. I was worried about him because I cared about him though when I said that he again for the 50th time called me a liar. I planned on explaining to him that I was concerned for him and not the car but once I had the opportunity to tell him before we left I made it general. I didn’t feel like being called a liar again. He knows how I am disappointed about the situation. Really, I am disappointed at his decision that was dangerous and where the outcome would not just be devastating for me but others. I wanted to tell him how scared I was that I wouldn’t be able to see him again, even writing this upsets me to the point of tears. Ridiculous, I know. It actually pisses me off that I am this vested even though I wouldn’t go back and change that fact.
I can only sit, worry and hope that he will see and make a different choice next time. I know I can’t do that for him, he has to.