I caught the curve ball

It’s been two months since I went in for a consultation to have my right breast reduced. All women usually have one breast bigger then the other and my right one is a full cup size. I have always worked around it by pushing it into my bra every so many hours and never really thought about reducing it until now. I went back to have the test preformed to get the green light to have the procedure done. Of course as usual I was doing this alone. I had mentioned it to my friends but the surgery didn’t get rave reviews for many different and minuscule reasons so I did as I usually do, I kept it to myself, I figured I would have it done and no one would even know. Well that didn’t work out as planned of course because that is my life in a nutshell right now, nothing works out the way I plan it.

Shortly after having the test done I get my call back, I at this point am thinking about how nice it will be to have my ‘girls’ both staying in my bra without help. That pesky bulge will not surprise me when I look down anymore, oh how nice this will be, unfortunately it would still be there.

When the doctor started talking it wasn’t what I was suppose to hear, at first I thought he called the wrong patient. He told me that he seen something in my tests that looked abnormal and informed me he wouldn’t be able to perform the surgery until I went to my primary doctor, had the test redone and possibly have a biopsy performed. I was shocked, abnormality, what!?! I told him I would call the office once I had everything done but I knew right then I wouldn’t be calling back because I wasn’t calling my primary doctor.

I know, this is a stupid snap decision, I don’t need you to tell me it is because I’m intelligent enough to know this fact. My reasons why are even more ridiculous.

1. I would have to tell people and if I did they would constantly look at me with those ‘I feel sorry for you’ looks. This would cause me to walk around pissed off at them.

2. I would be doing this biopsy and anything needed afterwards alone. I can’t get anyone to take time out of their busy life to plan a place and time to celebrate my birthday let alone get someone to hold my hand through this situation.

3. If something is wrong, once people find out, my chances on being in a relationship diminish to none permanently. No one out their wants ‘damaged goods’. No one would want that baggage. This reason makes me chuckle because I’m really not looking for a relationship, well at least not that my conscience is aware of at the moment.

Again, I know, ridiculous reasons, shoot, the three ‘reasons’ as I call them are just excuses. I know this and have thought about it many times over the past month. I decided that I should at the most have the test redone to see if it comes back again with a need for a biopsy. If it comes back the same I will again be at a cross roads to which I will have to make a decision on how to handle the situation.

So I had the test redone. On Friday I received a call from the Doctors office and my stomach ached as the conversation was a repeat of my last, the results showed something abnormal. They asked that I call back after the holiday and schedule an appointment to have the biopsy preformed. Even though I went through this weekend in a fog, I paid attention to everything going on all the little things that in our busy life we tend to overlook. When people spoke to me I looked into their eyes and I said things to them in my mind that I always wanted to say to them out loud. I don’t know why I didn’t say them out loud, maybe because they would think I had lost my mind and would know something was wrong. I found myself fighting back tears as people talked to me. Finding a way to briefly exit the conversation or interaction for a moment to compose myself. I found myself crying in places I wouldn’t be seen. I’m not going to tell anyone what is going on, I am going to find my way, by myself as I have for the past 12 years. I am going to take the next week to figure out what I am going to do then, I will be strong, take the next step and let life lead the way.

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