This man… He radiates confidence and draws you in with his eyes. You could be completely infuriated with this man but one look from him dissolves those feelings and leaves you with an urge to touch him, not always in a sexual way, just a light graze of your hand over his shoulder and gliding down his arm. Your encounters with him make you question if it’s only you that feels the need to slap him one minute and caress him the next. In the end, no matter what happens, his body will haunt you with every step you take and every thought.
You soon learn how he, at times, can’t see his worth and you struggle with understanding why he says the things he does. Everything that happens in his life is preparing him for a moment that soon will come. The struggles he’s having now are shaping his future. He nonchalantly mentions leaving, going far away, and you’re thrown back by the physical pain you feel inside. Why are you feeling this way? It’s in moments like these that make you feel as though you were someone else. It feels as if you’re not being yourself, the real you. Maybe it is because for so many years the relationship was based on you convincing yourself he wasn’t a ‘great guy’. This essentially went on for too long, so when you realized he was a ‘great guy’, when his ‘great guy’ personality bitch slapped you in the face it changed everything you knew.
Or maybe, just maybe, this is the real you. The you that existed prior to facing this guy was just a shield, and now the real you is breaking through. I don’t like to think about that.
You have believed that you cannot start the next chapter in your life unless you let go of the past. You have been holding onto the past, the anger, the hurt and essentially viewed all men in the same way. As assholes. By realizing that one of the ‘biggest assholes’ you knew was really a ‘great guy’ it changed your thinking and you allowed yourself to end that chapter and start a new one. You stopped trying to be everything to everyone because this was impossible. You decided to make a select few friends smile, changing their world even for just a moment. This new chapter that you started so quickly hasn’t been easy nor are you sure you like it, those feelings and thoughts, the anxiety which causes you to miss out on much needed sleep. You slowly learned not to overlook the small moments. Those small moments you begin to hang onto. Enjoying the little things in life opens your eyes to the beauty around you. The moments you will remember are the moments that are ‘nameless’, there the moments you spend with someone who has managed to infect you and make them matter in your world.
You have found the people who have tested you, you have found the people who used you and you have found the people who have taught you things. Now you need to find the person that brings out the best in you. You will find that regret will be deep and far more painful than if you would have expressed your thoughts out loud for people to hear. It’s time for you to make progress and to make progress in life involves risk. You can’t change what you refuse to confront. Trying to remove those thoughts that you’re not ready for. When is anyone ready for something or an opportunity? The greatest moments, the greatest life changes are uncomfortable, this is why in the end those moments are amazing and beyond our expectations.