My raw unedited thoughts of the day… I know how you feel, I’m scared to read it too!

Image By: Casey King, Fingerlike
Image By: Casey King, Fingerlike

These are the dangerous prompts… 10 minutes. You and your keyboard with no pauses, no edits, no looking back. Your raw thoughts typed and published in less than 15 minutes start to finish. Oh boy!

If I would ask myself to say what my feeling is in this moment it would be disappointed. I hesitated for a moment and when I did it was a tossup between disappointed and anger. But I had to be honest and write disappointed because it was the first word that popped into my head. Why do I feel this way?

  1. I sent out an invite to a handful of people for my child’s birthday and even with it stating I needed an RSVP back with a yes or no, I only received 2 responses back. These situations make me believe I expect too much from people. Is it too much to ask for a RSVP these days? Is it too much to ask for someone to take the time to read an entire invite, actually read it and respond? It is my child’s birthday celebration for goodness sake. I really wonder if they realize how that makes my child feel when he asks who has responded and my answer is 2 people when he knows that he wrote down and then invited a page full of people. If I was in the position to only guess, it would be that the child would feel pretty crappy.
  1. I’m starting to believe I’m not that nice, caring individual that my mind believes me to be. Why, well if you had someone in your life that drops things to lend a helping hand, wouldn’t you make sure you were available if the moment ever presented itself? Sometimes I meet people and think ‘Wow, their different, they aren’t like everyone else’. But wait for it… even if they don’t show it right away they will be. Don’t get me wrong I have sat up late at night and thought maybe I just have to high of standards. This could be true but right now in my life I haven’t decided that is the answer to the question at hand. Everyone around me seems to have all their own problems I don’t even have even the littlest want to tell them mine. Their busy with their life and I with mine. These feelings that I am having may all be a phase but to be honest it is growing into one really long phase, if that is what it is.
  1. Work… The first descriptive word that comes to mind is stressful. People think they are always doing ‘EVERYTHING’ when in reality that is not the case. Everyone for the past few years has been put in a position that they are doing multiple tasks with little time to complete them. I am no exception to this. It’s wearing on me, I just have to remember that once the holidays are over I will have time to regroup and get ready for next year. I always keep in mind that I’m blessed to have a job and especially the one that I have.
  1. I feel as though I am being abandoned. My parents are moving permanently to what they believe is the great state of Florida. This opportunity is wonderful for them, their children are all grown and have their own lives but still a part of me is achy and sad. I am very close to my father, he is my saving grace, the reason I have been able to be on my own for the past 12 years. He will soon be a million miles away from me. Who will I pitch my crazy half thought out plans too, who will help me when I get stuck on a home project, who will be there to rush over to save me on the side of the road… at this point I have yet to come up with a name of a person. I’m an adult suffering from separation anxiety… I wonder how I will be when my child leaves to start his adult life. I may need to be committed.
  1. My child…where do I begin… There is no good place at the moment. Not even 3 weeks into the school year I am getting emails and disciplinary write up forms from the school. Not even 2 months into the school year and I have had to write over 6 ‘I’m so embarrassed, I’m sorry’ emails and put my john Hancock on 4 disciplinary forms. This was not how I thought this school year was going to go. I’m already so overwhelmed with it all, lost, alone and spending my days nervous when the phone rings. I found myself today closing my eyes praying that it wasn’t the school calling and not opening my eyes until I heard the voice on the end of the phone. Each time completing a sigh of relief when it was. Parenting is hard. Would I do it all over again, yes I would even though I try not to admit that out loud or to anyone. Though if they got a glimpse into my life, they probably would run away and not even entertain the idea of having a child with my incompetent self.

Well 10 minutes on the dot. You are probably thinking, jeez how can you manage to write all that in 10 minutes… just be glad this wasn’t a verbal conversation because I probably would have been able to tell you all my childhood stories too.

 

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3 thoughts on “My raw unedited thoughts of the day… I know how you feel, I’m scared to read it too!

  1. Thanks for the follow.

    A great post – so raw, it was like reading parts of me 30 years ago, then I learnt about the good-enough parent and realised I was doing alright!

    I can’t identify with no.4 because my parents were never there so I was alone. Apart from phone calls to your Father, you rant, we listen, we send hugs {{hugs}} 🙂

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    1. I’m going to keep the ‘good-enough parent’ thought in my mind always. Even though it doesn’t always feel like it, I am doing alright. 🙂 Thank you so much for reading and for your comment.

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  2. Ten minutes? Wow, you type fast I think I’d still be at, “um….”

    The RSVP thing is annoying… although I have to confess that I have neglected to respond a couple times due to the messy order of my mail. I was on the ball today, though… I was given an invite and I went over and spoke to the mom and confirmed our attendance right then. Now, if I can remember to get the gift…

    Work can be hard sometimes… and I think it’s okay to recognize we’re overwhelmed at times, especially if we also acknowledge we are lucky to have the job.

    Kids… it can be tough sometimes. I wish I had advice. Good luck 🙂

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