When you look up the definition of dreams on Google it tells you that it is “a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep. Everyone dreams, lately I wish this wasn’t true. Over 8 days now I have been having just off the wall crazy and disturbing dreams. They are so vivid, they feel so real even though during the dreams I find myself realizing it is just a dream but that doesn’t change my feelings in the moment, and it still feels real. You’re probably wondering what the contents of these dreams I am having are, let me tell you but first I want to say, the following is disturbing.
First they started off as just unusual dreams nothing that would wake one up scared and breathless. The dreams were set in places that were unknown to me but familiar at the same time. I remember feeling lost but at the same time I had the sense that I should know why I am there. People in my life would appear but the next moment when I would look around they would be gone just as quick. No one would talk in these dreams it was as though I was in a silent movie, they would just look at me as though they were looking deep into my soul. These types of dreams went on for days. I would wake up confused but the dream slowly turned into a distant memory as I went about my day. This would not be the case as the days went on.
The dreams intensified and seemed to become longer and more detailed. During the dream again I was still aware at times that it was a dream as though my mind was trying to tell me something but at the same time trying to comfort me. I was driving into a town that was unfamiliar, up a steep uphill road that I remember thinking no car could possibly drive up, yet I made it ever time. People from my life would again appear but shortly after be gone just as quick. I was trapped in this town, I felt as though I had been kidnapped but I never seen my captor. I would be in a home with no idea how I had arrived there and I would find myself trying to escape. As the dreams went on, I always somehow managed to escape. I went through windows and at times simply by using a door. In some dreams I had someone I didn’t know with me when I escaped and sometimes I was alone. I would escape the house I was in feeling as though my captor was there, always watching me. During the last dream I escaped a house through the window and I ran through yards and down neighborhood streets lined with old oak trees. I abruptly stopped and remember looking around, it was a beautiful neighborhood. I began to have this feeling, a definite feeling that I was trapped forever. I thought to myself, if I was kidnapped why wasn’t my captor chasing after me, trying to draw me back in to one of the houses? In that moment I felt despair, a deep sadness as I realized that the person wasn’t chasing me because this neighborhood was all theirs. There was no need to chase me because I would never be able to actually, truly escape them.
After the last dreams I would go about my day and never be able to truly forget my dreams. They were still there showing themselves in my thoughts every so often. Everything changed the other day when my dreams took a more intense disturbing turn. The dreams started to take place in my home. My son would appear throughout the dream mute, it was again as though I was in a silent movie. This dream is on repeat over and over my mind forces me to replay the scenes, I remember feeling every sad emotion. I would walk into the bathroom and there sat a basket of clothes in front of the toilet and as I stepped closer I could see that there in the toilet were clothes. I walked towards the toilet and it was a normal sized toilet you find in ever home in America. I reach down and start to pull the wet clothes out of the toilet wondering how they got in there. After I pull out a white long sleeve t-shirt I see it, a child. It was a boy who looks to be about 14 or 15 years old. The child was completely lying in the toilet, submerged. The feeling of panic over powers me. I pull the child out to see that it was someone I knew, not a child close to me but one that I knew in the past. The dream goes on and my mind doesn’t let me skip over any details. I try to revive the child; my mind doesn’t even spare me the pain of having to tell the child’s father that he was dead. During the dream I even attend the funeral of the child. Throughout this time I feel a pain that is so deep that in my dream I find it hard to breath. It is as though all my life was being drained out of me, I felt weak.
When I have this dream night after night I wake up feeling weak and emotional. It is so disturbing that now my mind no longer forgets my dream, no longer allowing me to have just a passing thought throughout the day, I now see my dream replay while I am awake with my eyes wide open. I haven’t been able to concentrate for too long as the images of this dream flash through my mind as I do my daily tasks. Even if I close my eyes the images still appear, I can be looking at someone and these images appear as vivid as they were in my dream.
I’ve only told one other person about these dreams as they are so disturbing I don’t want to admit I would have dreams such as these. The dreams have caused me to be irritable and short with people around me as they haunt me at every turn. I know it isn’t real, I know it’s a dream; I know that a child of that age cannot fit completely in a toilet with their body be submerged; even knowing that doesn’t change my feelings of being scared, lost, and helpless. The worst part of this all is that it is a child, a child I once knew.
I find myself crying to sleep at night, fighting that need to close my eyes and drift away. I don’t want to sleep; I don’t want to see the disturbing images that I see throughout the day. Today at work I picked up the phone and called a local physiatrist to schedule an appointment. When they asked me to tell them in detail about my need for an appointment I felt embarrassed and disgusted with myself that throughout these 8 days I could have dreams such as these.
My friend who I had confided in earlier asked me if I had wrote about my dreams in my blog, implying in some way it would help me but I hadn’t and I wasn’t going to. Again even thinking about writing about these horrible dreams made me sick to my stomach. This evening though I read a comment a reader wrote on another post I wrote earlier in the day that read ‘I learn and grow, through reading the insights of others who unapologetically “talk about themselves”.’ This comment made me write this painful blog. Maybe I need to talk about this, maybe there is something going on deep inside my mind that I need to work out. Something that I haven’t faced in my life that needs to be dealt with.
So with tear filled eyes, a painful heart, a feeling of deep sadness and embarrassment I press the publish button.