I wrote an apology email to a friend the other day and I continued to think about what I wrote after the fact. Have you ever written or said something and after the moment was over you realize how powerful the words were?
I wrote “I’m usually on point with making sure everyone’s feelings are taken care of and accounted for but right now the raw honest truth is… I’m broken and lost.” These words at the time came out with no thought; they flowed from my brain to my fingers and onto the computer screen with ease. This person was not speaking to me because I didn’t respond to a text message. I honestly felt the text message was more a statement and if I would have responded all I could offer was another apology, which to me would have lessened the first. When he looked up at me and said he was mad at me, I felt… devastated. I felt… confused, he was serious; he said he was serious because I didn’t respond to a text. When I arrived home I crawled right into bed. I wasn’t devastated so much that he was mad at me, but more at the fact that his words said more about what our friendship was. Even though he said he didn’t want a response, I sat up and wrote an apology email.
As I said before the words I wrote poured from me with ease it wasn’t until the next day when they started to really become powerful. That sentence “I’m usually on point with making sure everyone’s feelings are taken care of and accounted for”, it is a powerful truth. I’m always thinking of other’s feelings. I’m always making sure I do everything in my power to help ease whatever is hurting others hearts. That sentence IS how I feel, it IS who I am and I shouldn’t have to apologize for missing a beat, yet I did. I shouldn’t have to because ever other time… I was there, on point. I shouldn’t have to because at times my feelings have to be taken care of and accounted for and I’m the only one taking care of those. At some point I am going to miss a beat. Maybe I missed more beats for him than I remember and that thought breaks my heart if it turns out to be true.
What this moment in time has taught me is that I am in the position I am in today because I haven’t taken the time to help ease my own hurting heart. That I care deeply for this person that his words could affect me in the way they did and still are today. This moment in time has turned on that handy defense mechanism that I have used for years, when I care this deeply; when I realize they matter to me, I turn and start walking the other way.
I am broken… I am lost…