Some people never make it to the finish line. They attend their therapy sessions and as things present themselves it can cause them to stop, turn around and run the other way before ever reaching the finish line. I have to admit that after the last few sessions I have thought about it. I have even envisioned myself getting up and walking out to never return again. The bottom line is the truth hurts and it seems to hurt more when a complete stranger presents it to you as though they are holding a neon sign with the truth to your troubles blinking in front of you. You have to pass by the sign to reach the finish line and some, me included, cannot muster up enough strength within to pass the sign and cross the finish line.
The questions presented to me in the handful of my sessions have forced me to contemplate my decisions I have made over the past 12 years. It has forced me to question my beliefs about many things.
- Fear of rejection – I may have convinced myself that being alone is a wonderful thing to avoid being rejected. By convincing myself of this ‘single life is great’ idea I will never have to feel rejected in any way.
- Rejecting myself – Though I may be having fears of rejection in turn this may be causing me to reject myself in the process. The fear of rejection may be causing me to lose value in myself. Wrapping myself up in others feelings and continually ignoring my own in the process.
- Fear of giving up – I may have a control issue. If I give up control somehow it means that I have to give up myself, the freedom I have to do what I want, when I want.
- Sabotaging – I may be finding faults with people who are right for me. With this comes finding ways to distance myself. Doing things to slowly push the person away by being busy, avoiding calls and texts. In those rare moments I find myself face to face with this person I act in a way that will slowly push them away.
When I think of these points presented to me it causes me to ask the greatest question, ‘what do I want to happen’. The question ultimately must be answered at some point as a person can only appear as the ‘alpha’ for a short moment before the above points are revealed and the pain from holding them in becomes too great.