Q. How does someone such as yourself come up with the idea of marrying yourself? Did you just wake up one day with this over the top decision?
When people ask me this question my answer is always the same, “I want to have the experience that other women have had. Pretty dress, fancy party, etc.” Is this a truthful answer to the question? I would say this is a half truth, there is more to it but I choose only this response because it is the easy, simple answer.
A few years ago I made a decision which would bring me critics and supporters equally to my door step. I announced, I was going to marry myself if I hadn’t found a life long companion by the time I turned 35.
How did this idea come to me? What would I benefit from marrying myself? My reasons for this were simple at the time but what you have come for is not a half truth but the complete honest, raw truth. So, my reasons for this decision are complicated, yet simple at the same time. I was being left, I felt all alone in the ‘safety bubble’ I had created around me.
My group of friends consisted of a majority who were in serious relationships, engaged to be married or had already taken the plunge into married life. Where was I in all this? I was the woman in the group with a handful of men who were not apart of any type of relationship.
The equation was easily explained to me when I was younger. You grow into a woman, you fall in love, than you walk down the aisle and exchange the sacred vows of marriage and if you were able to physically you would have children. What people left out when they explained this to me is, it’s not this cut and dry, easily obtainable outcome, at least not in my situation.
In high school I jumped into a serious relationship (well as serious as a high school relationship can be). This is where I started to write the equation out, this was ‘love’. The relationship was filled with being disrespected which came in many forms including verbal and physical abuse. Why did I continue this relationship? I needed to finish the equation of course.
The next part of the equation was marriage. In my heart, did I truly want to marry this man? No I didn’t and did I truly believe this man would actually make a commitment to me and only me, no. By the time I made it to this point my self-esteem had been bruised. When I think of these times I will admit on occasion to myself that my self-esteem was less bruised and more like it had been mutilated. My experiences in the relationship had convinced my mind that I was not good enough for anything else. It had also convinced my mind that I wasn’t able to take care of myself.
Since I knew I couldn’t write the marriage part of the equation I would move on to the children part of the equation. For the people who look at my life I am sure they assume I had my son by accident but they would be wrong. I decided to have a child, it was a joint decision between the two of us. I got off my birth control and we started to try to have a child. It wasn’t too difficult as I got pregnant right away. Fast forward the story a tad, I was pregnant, quickly lost the child and in a blink of an eye was pregnant again. Why would I bring a child into such an unstable abusive relationship? In one word: Selfishness. I’m sure you assume it was because I thought by having a child I would change the relationship for the better in some way but this was not the reason at all. I was fully aware the relationship I had placed myself in would never get better, I was certain of this. I made the decision to have a child because I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life and I wanted someone to give my love I knew I had to give and I wanted to have someone who would truly love me, unconditionally for all my days.
So where did it leave me when I finished writing out my equation? A single mother with a 2 month old baby, an ended relationship, self-esteem issues, and a serious commitment phobia.
As I watched the people around me in their relationships I found the feelings of failure and loneliness increase. I quickly built my ‘safety bubble’ around me. I started my anti-relationship campaign. This campaign was created for two reasons: 1. I never wanted to have a relationship as the one I had previously and 2. My mind was convinced no one would ever love me or think I was pretty enough, smart enough or overall good enough to love. (my mind still believes these things). I decided to hide these insecurities and insure I would never experience the feeling of being left again, I would set an age, 35, and marry myself. Even though I have these feelings doesn’t mean I shouldn’t experience these things which others have experienced. I may not be good enough for someone else to love but I, even though these feelings run through my mind, still love myself.
Where am I today with my decision to marry myself at 35? How do I feel about where I am at this point in my life?
I’ve decided to throw the idea of marrying myself out the window, I realize I don’t need the experience. I’m still carrying on with my anti-relationship campaign. My goal continues to play it safe so I am never left and continuing to punch the feelings of lacking in the gut to avoid my mind being convinced I am missing out on something. Paying attention and work on making sure I can say daily, I like myself. And finally the most important be the best parent I can be.
Now as you finish reading this you may think I am a depressed person who hates myself. This is not the case. I am overall a positive person and driven person to prove everyone including myself that I can do anything.