A few weeks ago I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, looked straight at myself and knew I was done.
For years I have wanted to instinctively know how to help the people in my life, and be providing value to them. I’ve learned being valuable to others is bullshit. It causes you to be only acknowledged when the need arises in another person’s life, and those needs are very far and in between good ones. Each day I awoke, I would begin to continue my journey up the looming mountain, trying to stay in control and strong for the people around me, all the while losing control over my own life situations.
At times I don’t know how I feel anymore. I do know that there is no glory in self-destruction and burning out. Nothing good can come of spending your days making dangerous self-destructive decisions until the day you find you have been cornered by misery. Instead of closing your eyes and telling yourself you deserve to be punished and deserve to be in unhappy relationships, you should open your eyes and see the truth, that you are worth better than what you have allowed yourself.
You don’t need to hit rock bottom to change what you want changed. The confusion and uncertainties that life will place before you cannot be dealt with at the bottom. You don’t have to drill yourself down to a place filled with total misery, you can change your situation.
Turn the lights on. You are slowly systematically destroying yourself and in the processes I feel you have destroyed a piece of me. I can’t tell you how to live your life and truth be told, I don’t even know if I even give a fuck anymore.