You’ve always liked ‘him’ in some capacity or another. You have always made an extra effort to be at events or get together when you knew ‘he’ would be making an appearance. At those times you would put in more effort with your appearance for ‘him’. What did you think that would do? Nothing. You knew it was more of an infatuation on your part than his. From his perspective, the infatuation was completely nonexistent and that was never going to change.
What you felt was very strange with this infatuation was that he was totally not what you considered to be your ‘type’. You didn’t want to take him for all he was worth. You didn’t want to draw him in, chew up his emotions and spit them out. You wanted to hug him, you wanted to wrap your arms around him and to get the same in return. You never wanted to make him something he wasn’t, pry something out of him he didn’t feel like sharing, make him do something he wasn’t interested in. You just wanted him for him, what ever he was willing to give.
You were always shocked when no one noticed your infatuation for him at gatherings or parties. Maybe everyone did notice and thought that if they ignored it, it would blow over. Either option is plausible. Sometimes you feel like everyone wants you to care about their happiness; they want you to help them get theirs. but then they would turn around and tell you how to feel or what they believed was right or wrong. Never has anyone stopped to ask you or notice your feelings which, in turn, made you work to suppress them more, ensuring that they were not asked about. You gave them what they wanted you to be and when you left them you were able to be the real you. You did have feelings for people they disapproved of. You had views on the decisions they’d made. You had your own goals and dreams!
But you tamped that all down. You convinced yourself that in ‘real life’ it probably wouldn’t be what you had imagined. Let’s be honest; feelings hurt, left you vulnerable and led to rejection. You didn’t want to be rejected!
So, in the end you will always like him in some capacity or another. You will always make an effort to appear at events you know he would be at. You will put in that extra effort with your appearance. And you will tell yourself that it’s for the best, because it’s not an infatuation for him, and that is never going to change.