“The longer you deny something, such as love, the larger the feelings will grow until you cannot deny it any longer.”–Casey King, Fingerlike
The mind is potent. It can make you feel empowered, it can bring you ecstasy and it can take you to a place of misery. It can enslave you in a fantasy all of it’s own making.
Denying strong feelings of sadness or happiness has been a part of my life for years now. Vulnerability has never been something I have allowed myself to feel. I have fought my mind each and every time it felt I should give in. Having been hurt, I decided long ago I’d rather feel half empty.
Haven’t met you yet.
At times I would sit and think about finding someone to love. Having that person who is there to turn to, to come home to, and share my life with. I never thought I would meet someone who would teach me; not what love is necessarily, but what it feels like. This was the “Haven’t met you yet” moment of my life.
Slow dancing in a burning room
Once I met a man, and we would unknowingly slow dance in a burning room. He became my friend, and as we danced through our friendship I slowly began to notice how alike we seemed to be. Slowly I got to know him and found myself being drawn to him. His presence in my life was powerful. He was a paradox. He was strong yet fragile. He was sarcastic yet serious. He was safe yet vulnerable. He was aggressive yet gentle. As our friendship continued I grew to love him. When he was around I felt safe. When he would stay over, just having him there next to me would bring me the most peaceful sleep, rest I had never experienced before. He grounded me, he taught me there could be another side to the story of my life.
During our relationship I would deny how much I loved him to any who asked. I would always respond the same way, “I love him on the same level I love all my friends.” I knew this was far from the truth, I knew if I admitted it was more it would put me in a position that for so many years I fought off. It would make me vulnerable. I couldn’t allow my vulnerability to be out, for I knew there would never be anything more than what we had. I wasn’t good enough and I knew I could never be good enough, so we would slow dance in a burning room until one day I would have to let him go.
All good things come to an end
Knowing I had to say goodbye, I began going through the motions of planning out how I would distance myself from a relationship that I had unknowingly thrown my whole self into. This would take time and as I put the plan into motion I reminded myself often that all good things must come to an end.
The mind is potent. When it enslaves you into a fantasy of what it believes could be it takes time for you to bring yourself back to what is real. It is another journey down a long winding road I will be slowly taking.