The escape plan

Casey King, Fingerlike

When you’re out for a nice walk with your dog, minding your own business and you see a guy approaching you. You immediately assess the situation for the level of ‘stranger danger’ (breaking out those skills from elementary school.) and you realize it’s at the highest level of danger. You can tell by how the guy is walking that he’s worked up enough courage to hit on you. So you start going through your available escape routes.

1. Turn and start running with your dog in the other direction. This plan is a good one if you don’t mind getting sweaty but you came to the park in your exercise outfit that is way too cute to get all sweaty. You only chose to wear it to blend in with everyone else and make them believe your one of them, ‘the physical fit conscious type’.

2. Act like you are having a real phone conversation. This is a solid plan, no one is going to interrupt someone who is on the phone (well except for children). But the flaw is your 3 miles from your car and that’s a long time to hold down a fake conversation. The other flaw is he will follow you until you put down the phone so your only delaying the interaction.

3. Let them have their moment. This can be a really good option if you’re a sarcastic person. These are good moments to work on honing your skills at executing sarcastic comments at just the right time.

The guy finally reached his destination, you. He immediately starts talking to you about your dog and he even interacts with the dog to prove he is ‘a nice guy’. But unbeknownst to him your dog loves anything that gives him attention so that proves nothing. So the conversation continues and you have thrown in a few sarcastic comments, perfectly executed of course but he’s still talking to you. This is the point were you realize he actually thought your sarcastic comments were funny and clever. This is disappointing because you now need to go over some knew escape plans.

1. Keep your answers short and once you see your car in the distance, make an abrupt exit by saying ‘Well it was nice talking to you’ then making a quick jog to your car. Of course making sure not to exert to much energy so you stay sweat free.

2. Tell the guy your phone is ringing and you have to take the call. Of course, he will look at you strangely because he can’t hear your phone ringing. Assure him by telling him you know he cannot hear it, but it is ringing and it’s probably an important call from your Dad about how when you were in 3rd grade he let your rabbit run out of the house and you really didn’t have a rabbit with magical disappearing abilities.

3. Now this one can be taken as rude so you have to use this one in the most extreme situations. Look at the guy and ask him if other people he talks to visualize placing ducktape over his mouth so early on in the conversation or is it just you.

If you went with escape plan 1 and he followed you, you then executed plan 2 and he doesn’t appear to be scared you need to be placed in a straight jacket and hauled away, and he is still standing there after you say plan 3….

the guy deserves your phone number and chances are high he will become your new best friend.

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