10 ways to ensure you will never have a relationship

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Relationships can look wonderful from the outside, once you enter into the realm of the relationship world you realize that the people turn into the incarnation of Satan.  That is why I put together this handy little instructional blog to help prevent you from allowing things to escalate past the safe zone.

 Things you will need:

A small pad of paper

Good writing utensil

An infatuation

Instructions:

  1. Insult – Use that pad of paper and your writing utensil to catalog anything about the person you could use as an insult.  You should have three categories for your insults; light hearted, moderate and downright nasty.  That way you are armed with an array of ammunition to spice up your encounters with your infatuation each time you see them.  As an added bonus, having an array of insults helps to prevent becoming predictable and who wants to be that!
  2. No Touching – Never EVER, under nearly any circumstances, touch in any way shape or form! This is very important, so pay attention!  It’s said that a person’s touch reveals a lot about their feelings, and if that is true then the neon sign popping out of your head when touching would scream “INFATUATION”, which would absolutely not be good long term.
  3. Avoidance – This is a tricky one, of course you want to see your infatuation and you even enjoy stewing in the pot while watching them coo-cooing over their new flavor of the week, but it’s more about finding a balance.  Never sit on the same couch, side of table, shit not even on the same side of the room as them.  If you do you may find your subconscious slowly and secretively scooting your butt in their direction.  Trust me, this happens so simply don’t do it!  Keep yourself busy, pay attention and interact with your infatuation only for a moment and then move on quickly to any other conversation with someone else.  NEVER make eye contact.  This will only draw you in and that is exactly what we’re trying to avoid!
  4. Giving – I like to think that most people have a giving nature, so I assume that you do too.  Wonderful, but never show this to your infatuation.  This is generally looked at as a ‘good quality’.  You cannot have good qualities as this will likely draw them in and may cause them to think you are a sweetheart, Heaven forbid!
  5. Interested – Listen without looking too interested, and NEVER give advice.  This could lead to them looking at you as a good sounding board, which may lead to them calling you for more advice. This would bring the two of you closer, and definitely would cause your feelings to show through.
  6. Sharing – Do not share what is going on in your life or your feelings.  Remember you are the insulter, not the sharer.  Keep your personal feelings to a minimum and make any personal topic as generic as possible.  Remember also, you are always having a good day!  People like to make others feel better, but if you’re always having a great time there is nothing to make better.
  7. Alone – Hello!  This should be easy!  Never should you be alone with this person!  If you find yourself left with them, find a reason to leave the room quickly.  Feel free to pop in now and then to admire your infatuation quickly, but then slip back out of the room hopefully without being seen watching them.  Being alone with someone would open the door to those personal things or ask you questions you shouldn’t answer.
  8. Sensitive – Show sensitivity at all times.  People say they like sensitive people but this is a load of bull.  They really like the leather wearing, whip wielding sadists.
  9. Alcohol – Don’t drink with your infatuation.  This can cause the leather wearing whip wielding sadist in you to show through and they may run away or stick to you like glue, neither of which is your goal.
  10. On a final but very important note! –  If your infatuation is ever single limit your time with that person to nearly nil.  Go out of your way to avoid them like the plague!  If they don’t have a significant other to keep their attention, they are more apt to try to speak with you and to get to know you better as a person. Yuck! Why would anyone want that!
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