Girl’s Guide to Spank me like an Avocado



If you have just stumbled upon the Girl’s Guide to Online Dating series, this is a series documenting an experiment in seeing if my married friends are right, that joining a few dating sites will match me with my prince charming. The series shows you the good, the bad and the ugly from my experience. To start at the beginning of the Girl’s Guide to Online Dating, click here.

Week One – Spank me like an avocado

This week could be defined as ‘fast and furious’ it only took a day for my inbox to fill up with all the emails from men wanting me to realize they are my prince charming. I was surprised at how many men spent their time messaging me with both very little effort or way too much effort, which at times took a weird twist. Lets jump into this weeks picks.


First, let’s discuss this guy’s use of the word ‘neighbor’.  To be honest, this was a little creepy for me.


He’s not my neighbor.  Well, I certainly hope not anyway. I wouldn’t want to date someone in my neighborhood because I could never get away from them, and what happens if they turn out to not be my prince charming??  Can you say, ‘Awkward’.

I had to go from that creepy message to a horny 24-year-old!


Clearly he did not look at my profile because it states my age requirement is in the mid 30’s. The dating site’s matching abilities FAILED.

Then, the best message I got, the creme de la creme!


His message made me laugh until I cried. I wonder though, is that something he wishes to do to a woman or was that a legitimate email he received?  I was so intrigued that I went to look at his profile.  From his profile he was what I would consider a normal guy, who likes normal guy things.  I guess that’s why profiles can be deceiving.

At that I was just done for a while.  Not to mention my phone was dinging every minute!  I already know I hate this.

So, I survived week one and feel I’m nowhere near closer to finding that prince charming I was promised. I did find out guys like to take pictures of their bare chests, and then make them their profile picture. I also learned there are many guys who like to email the same generic message, “Hi, you’re gorgeous” or “How are you”. Maybe they all email the same thing because they read it on the internet somewhere, in some ‘how to’ article. Except, it doesn’t make me want to respond.  I’m not drawn in.  If it was a ‘how to’ article, I think that article failed a large part of the male population.

This week I will be going through more emails and checking out some profiles the dating site has matched me with. Supposedly my prince charming is out there waiting for me, or so my married friends have told me.  Apparently they’re on this site that says it has found over 70 matches for me.

This could be promising. Stay Tuned…



Do you have experience with online dating? Share your story, the good, the bad or even the ugly in the comments below. 




11 thoughts on “Girl’s Guide to Spank me like an Avocado

  1. It worked for me, meeting another divorced parent online. Unfortunately the attractive women seem to get inundated with copy/paste messages from the guys representing the minority of online men. As a man, I stopped emailing because I got sick of competing for attention from someone receiving a few hundred emails in a week. My now wife fortunately made the first move, liking my profile, and once we met that first afternoon, it was like any other relationship. I suggest doing your own searching, ignore your inbox, and once you connect with someone you want to meet, temporarily hide your profile.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Short messages
    It’s a math problem for men and all about return on investment. In this case our investment in time and mental effort.

    Most women do not write profiles which invite conversation. Think of it like fishing, nibbles turn into bites, bites turn into hooked. Well lady profiles rarely leave any bait. Not small pieces of bait for nibbles, or really tasty looking bits of bait for serious bites

    Meaning more time and effort required to create a good 1st message. Time is the most precious commodity any of us have, and after a mentally tiring day of work, how many people want to invest even more skull sweat?

    Second part to the equation

    Typically, no matter how much or how little time a guy spends writing the initial message, women delete said message out of hand. Normally without reading it. Okcupid had pretty dismal numbers to report, though I can’t recall the exact percentage

    It doesn’t take men very long to adjust their behaviors to match the tactical reality on the ground. Ie carefully reading boring and frequently hostile lady profiles, spending the time and effort to create long, interesting and witty initial messages quickly gives way to skiming the profile (mostly looking for huge disqualifying statements) and one word or pre-written messages

    Pretty rational when you think about it

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Or add some bait to your profile

        One of the big issues making dating unpleasant is neither men or women understand the other sides point of view very well. If at all. Men understand women doing certain things to preserve their physical safety and women generally understand even less about men.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I love SFC’s “skull sweat”!!
    Dirty avocado?? Once again, speechless.
    Could u go back and number the weeks, please?? I want to read them in order, but there’s no way to know for sure, until you start reading. Thanks!


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